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September 07, 2015

By: Char Johnson

You may be an alpaca breeder if....

A humorous look at the alpaca "lifestyle"

Owning alpacas has brought many changes and new experiences to my life. I often find what we do rather funny so I salute you my fellow breeders in the style of Jeff Foxworthy.
You might be an Alpaca Breeder if...
1. You have gone to the barn in your PJ's.
2. You have accidently de-wormed yourself.
3. Going to a show has nothing to do with a movie or theatre production.
4. You have lube and gloves and aren't afraid to use them.
5. When you talk about beans, it has nothing to do with navy, pinto, kidney or soy.
6. You know at least four words describing the texture of poo.
7. You know a whole bunch of acronyms such as AOA, ARI, ARF, IgGG, BVD, PCR, TSC, SD, CV and CVI.
8. Your farm is held together with zip ties, bungee cords and baling twine.
9. Your wish list includes items from TSC.
10. You use binoculars to spy on your dams and not your neighbors.
11. You have a fondness for pink vet wrap.
12. You have sold a house, car, motorcycle or boat to enjoy "the alpaca lifestyle."
13. You have at some point suddenly found yourself flat on the ground looking at the sky contemplating the clouds.
14. You know that yak tracks help prevent cloud contemplation.
15. You have discovered the joys of a Panacur facial.
16. You have personally experienced at least three degrees of spit.
17. You have sported a bruise on your body in the shape of two elongated ovals.
18. You know that Spitting off is not an activity involving watermelon seeds.
19. Your favorite color is PURPLE!
20. Your favorite time of the day is the evening pronk.
21. You have a decided preference for either teddy bear or dread locks.
22. You have practiced an orgel!
23. You have orgeled at your spouse.
24. Your spouse has spit off at you!
25. You have willingly gone outside when it's below 0 and snowing dressed like the Michelin Man.
26. You have harassed a pregnant alpaca by lifting her tail to take a peek.
27. You have used a leaf blower on you alpaca.
28. You have ridden in the back of a trailer just to test the ventilation.
29. You have your vet's number on speed dial.
30. You guard your hay supplier's identity better than someone in the government's witness protection program.
31. Changing your clothes several times a day has nothing to do with being a fashionista.
32. You have ever worn a Gordon's fisherman style rain coat to your barn when it's not raining.
33. You know that Ivomectin has a slightly sweet taste.
34. It's not Halloween and yet you have purchased an concoction called Witch's Brew.
35. Relaxing on the beach in a tropical location has nothing to do with being on butt watch.
36. The beans in your refrigerator are not meant for human consumption.
37. You have kicked a toe jam out to the way without a second thought.
38. You know what toe jams are!
39. You have threatened a child with pasture pickup duty.
40. You have realized that a large part of your life revolves around poo!
41. You have gone to a large empty parking lot just to practice backing you trailer.
42. You have gone yard sell shopping for items like old cabinets for your barn.
43. You have laid down on the ground to make sure everything is 'just right" during a breeding.
44. You barn clothes have their own special laundry hamper for a very good reason.
45. You have taken your best cria and dam to your basement when a tornado siren has gone off.
46. You can calculate 340 days from any given date in just a few seconds.
47. Your spouse isn't angry with you and yet you slept in the barn.
48. You have taken a walk on a beautiful moonlit night ...to your barn.
49. You have ever wished that your dams could take a refresher class on finding the poo pile.
50. The first 20 items on your computer favorites list all have something to do with alpacas.
51. You have ever taken "The Walk of Shame."
52. While halter training in January you have accidentally made a snow angel.